I am going to write about that thing that happened in Bangkok a week ago, oh no wait I can’t because there is no free speech… so instead I am going to write about something equally as consequential: bouncing meat. Why do Thai people like bouncing, processed meat? This is probably a question that has been asked by few, but I have dared to ask it. I noticed that in all of the advertising for canned/processed/other grossly prepared meats, the meat always bounces. Like someone drops a pile of hot dogs from the heavens onto a plate and they all bounce in slo-mo followed by someone saying how delicious and fresh they are.
Maybe the bounciness of the meat indicates freshness? Stuff all the parts of a pig and some chemicals into an intestinal casing, and if it bounces, people will believe it’s fresh and healthy? Well, this meatatarian is convinced.
Don’t worry chicken nuggets, we don’t want to leave you out, if you are fresh enough, you can also bounce to affirm your breaded deliciousness.
Not to be outdone by a bird, if you drop a bun on this fresh beef (?), the bun will bounce a solid 2 inches. 2 inches! The QA/QC department ensured that this beef (?) is bouncy enough for human consumption. That’s right, this beef (?) is so bouncy and fresh, it causes other naturally unbouncy foods, like buns, to bounce. How could I NOT devour this burger (?)?
Last but not least, and the winner of the bouncing meat Olympics, pepperoni. It’s true meat source is so mysterious, which is what makes it so sexy; pork? beef? chicken? dog? borax? Maybe all 5? No, not maybe, probably…. plus some “natural flavorings”. The pepperoni in this Italian food commercial bounced an incredible 3 inches when dropped from a standard meat dropping height. AND THEN, they rolled, while those lazy, disgusting, unhealthy tomatoes just sat there, not bouncing. Well done pepperoni, based on your slow motion bounce, I can say with confidence that you are the freshest, healthiest, most delicious meat in Thailand.
Who’s hungry? Or should I say, hee-ou mai?